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“YOU DARE BRING LIGHT INTO MY LAIR?! YOU MUST DIE!”
~ Ganon on Evil Lair
An evil lair is a well hidden base from which an aspiring evil genius seeks to carry out his plans. A lair is typically staffed by a variety of henchmen and minions, who seek to serve their master, usually out of fear, greed or mind control.
The main feature of a typical evil lair is that it is secure. Examples include castles, dungeons, pits or fortresses of any description. Isolated volcanic islands are a favorite of the advanced evil geniuses, especially those with aspirations in rocketry.
This guide will aid you in real estate for evil lairs.
Castles
These creepy places look like Dracula lives there. Perfect place for trapdoors leading to mad scientist labs. Best to be made from stone or other crumbly, ancient material, moss and arachnids are a bonus, nothing gleaming or clean. The machinery must also be used and tarnished.
Henchmen don’t do as well here, just stick with a creepy butler or servant with a funny accent.
Dungeons
Dungeons are underground. They have loads of Flasks that usually hold some serious mead. These are just as old and crumbly as castles, and they don’t have too much machinery, preferring to use ancient torture methods of confinement instead.
Not too many of the henchmen will be seen, just the occasional guard and many, many monsters in labyrinths. Most of the machinery will be replaced with potions or other chemistry sets, nothing too technological will be in here.
Fortresses
Fortresses are the cream of the crop. These tend to be very secretive and are well adapted to whatever environment you build them in to coneal them. They are one of the few types of evil lairs where gleaming machinery and laboratories are not out-of-place, and they are usually constructed as laybrinths to confuse the heroes.
Remember to make sure the air shafts are always small enough so no hero-sized people can fit through them. And it must be well-lit, or you will never be able to work on your evil doom projects. If you are ardent about dark chambers, be sure to use blacklights.
Fortresses are the common choice of today’s modern villian. The models also come with quarters and recreation centers for your henchmen, because you need a large staff and you need to keep them happy to prevent rebellions.
Volcanic Islands
The rich, aspiring young genius with a near-infinite supply of cash in the form of two tons of gold bullion in a small time/space container that he/she had gained from their future successful self will love to purchase a small, private volcanic island. The best part about those is that they are small enough to mask from GPS’s and that they have enough solitary for the science guys to have some peace and quiet. And just in case your biological weaponry get out, the island is secluded enough for quarantine.
These are just an upgrade from the Fortresses. But they can prove as good things when you find out that they aren’t as easy to access for the heroes. It’s a mighty fine investment.
Secret laboratory
For the more pseudo-scientific of villains usually with warehouse scale storage space for dooms-day devices, an abundance of revolving walls, excessively long corridors with revolving yellow lighting, oversized diagonally aligned cargo-elevators and cylindrical vats of viscous green liquids; ripe for storage of genetic mutants, severed body parts or armies of clones. Easy access ramps for the disabled villain confined to hover-chair or giant robotic body. Automatic double-doors that go shwooosh. Pet sharks allowed: optional Lazors are to die for. Apply within; easily bypassed optical scanner and palm-print reader for the psychotically determined only.
Caves
Osama spends his time sitting and shitting in a cave and disperses occasional tapes telling you to bomb people, after casting his evil spell on you. Unfortunately, you cannot bomb a man in a cave, but he can bomb you.